My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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