if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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