I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
