can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
