Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
