Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize