the new term for farting is butt boxing.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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