sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
