I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
