we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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