So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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