It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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