I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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