My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
