anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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