can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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