Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
