My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
