i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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