U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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