Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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