Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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