I haven't been this sober since birth.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
