A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
