her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
