I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
