Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
