Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
