Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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