Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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