I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
