I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
soo... how was my night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
