The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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