Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
