I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
