So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
