People in love make me want to vomit
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
