Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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