Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
