I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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