I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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