you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
