Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
