I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
