I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
whose ass print is on the piano?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
