i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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