It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
