We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't put those talents on a resume
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
