listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
