Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
