I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
