I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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