and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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