What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
