suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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