Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
