I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
